which one now....

Well, here I am again. Back to the beginning and feeling sad, overwhelmed and angry. Many things have triggered this dark place (yet again) that I am in; the possibility of a family friend's child having autism and the horror in their voice when they ask me "is it bad? and where do I start", the inability for us to socialize at anyone else's house without Ethan eating something he shouldn't and the effects of that on his body and our full night's sleep (he inevitably stays up all night after eating casein), but the worst thing is peeking in on him at the gym when I was dropping off a homemade lasagna for a teacher luncheon and seeing him by himself, staring off while all the other kids ran around and played. My mind just starts swirling~~~ is it the loud radio they have playing and its echoes across the gym, is it that "Christopher was mean to me" like he tells me, is it that he isn't challenged or in the wrong place???

My first reaction is tears, then complete sadness for this poor little guy that I love so deeply and then my thoughts turn to war. War on this thing called PDD-NOS or autism or whatever the f*** it is.

But, the question is where do I start yet again to try to help him?? Or is this just him and I need to stop torturing him and find his gift and nurture that???

Can he be healed? What does "healed" look like anyway??? When do you say, this is who he is and how he is and just deal? Then I look deep into his eyes and I can feel his heart yelling at me~I am in here Mom, come find me.

So, I pull out all of the handouts from the conferences, pull out my books where I have dogeared pages and start calling...

Every specialist intervention guru says that their therapy is the most important and is the foundation to build upon. How do you know really?? Auditory, BioMed, Supplementation, WTF?

Prepping for IEP...

Our first real IEP meeting is tomorrow. The IQ test and evaluations came back inconclusive and the recant if what the psychologist saw Ethan doing was brutal painful to read. It was kind if like getting stabbed in the heart repeatedly, paragraph after paragraph..?at least Eric and I will face it together. Together we can do anything. that little boy works hard and is so sweet! I just love him to pieces!

Just another day

I wish I could be more consistent in my posts...but I suppose I should be thankful to have time to post at all :)

Eric came home for a few days and we had such a nice time. It made me remember how much I love spending time with him and how very much the kids miss the daily interaction with him. It just verified my plans to travel on the road again with him. I just wish the time would pass a little more quickly!
It is bitter sweet though, I have enjoyed the times that I have had with my friends and family here as well.
Ethan, has had an amazing 6 weeks and then about 2 weeks ago he started to regress some. He was doing so well, they asked to extend his school day until 2:45. I am beginning to think that is too much with all of the therapy, gymnastics and swimming lessons on top. IT is mostly just not wanting to get up in the morning, not wanting to go to therapy, etc.

We took a break on Friday and I hope that he will get back to normal soon.

It just dawned on me...

While reading a fb post from hopeful parents (love that org btw), I realized something about myself. I find it incredibly profound and moving when this happens, and it has been happening quite often lately. As I was growing up I was accused of "always doing it the hard way", my epiphany was that growing up in that fashion of always pushing the limits and never settling for what someone said "just because they said so" prepared me for this awesome journey with Ethan. If I would have never tried to loom at things differently with an open mind I would never have the strength and gumption to fight to heal Ethan.

I have always had guilt over people saying things about me- I truly take it to heart. It was really gratifying today to remember that the things that make me the person that i am are tools that were given to me in order to handle and challenge my life.

It feels good to be proud of who I am - the good, the bad and the determined ( or controlling as people have told me all my life in a derogatory manner).

I'll take it because those traits and gifts have enabled me to scour books, research articles, attend conferences, participate in support groups and online chat rooms to find the best tools for my son.

And today, he is one step closer to being healed!!! Yippee!!

Super Bowl 2011

Well, much to my demise, we went over to a friend house tonight for Super Bowl. I really just wanted to waste away on the couch or in ahot bath~ Eric left again today for DC. My heart always hurts when he leaves. Not that we really do anything spectacular when he is here, buthe is here. Eric makes the days so much better. The kids love being with him and even tho I might not show it like I should, I do too..

But, to make my hubby happy and to give the kids a distraction we went to Kelli's. It was a good time. I couldn't help but think that this is the first time we have been there since we moved to Texas in October. I wondered briefly why that is~ but then I let my mind let go of that and just enjoyed the time.

It was a nice distraction.

then, at 9:30, we came home to the empty house with eric's pants still scented with his smell on the recliner and the house still a wreck. I immediately went over and picked up his pants to smell him, wishing he was still here.

Ugh- he is gone. I am still left here with the empty hole in my heart.

Wait - this was supposed to be about Ethan's healing... Oh, well my heart hurts!

Reciting...ugh!

Well, the good news is that Ethan has taken an interest in actual movies now versus the neverending episodes of The Backyardigans... Shrek is the new one that he really likes. The bad news is that he now recites the movie (playing all parts) all the time. I have tried everything, but can't get him off of it.

I did some research this morning, but nobody seems to be talking about it. It seems as if I should be thankful that he is talking at all.

Ethan's fixation on food is something normal with someone on the spectrum~that was my newly found piece of information. I didn't realize that it was a normal thing for children on the spectrum. So, the 40 graham crackers that he ate at my friend Angie's house last Friday night is explained!!! In additon with his obsession to eat 3 popsicle in a row. He has to have one of each color in the box every time. He can't stop with just 1.

He is pulling on my face right now so that I will focus on him and not the computer, so I must go...

Until we blog again - I'm out (drops mic), I love that little thing my husband taught me in a text message, I think it is too funny and a great visual!

Why?

That is the question that I find myself asking too many times each day...Well, actually, not every day thank goodness! But this morning, as we sat in the hotel lobby eating breakfast, Ethan recited a big portion of Shrek in hid loud voice. I tried to interrupt him and engage him in his current surroundings, but to no avail.

Why? - That is all I could think as I held him when we got back to the room and told him how sorry that I am. I am so very sorry that he is locked in this world of autism. I can see how smart and strong-willed he is~I just wish I could channel that into something positive.

Why? - Another thought that I had as I thought of the tears my husband held back as he foumd out our third child will be a girl. We are very happy to welcome her into the world and into our family, but those dreams that he had to continue his name and all the other father/son things were crumbled yet again.

Why? - Is this disease happening to our kids? To my sweet. lovable little boy....(tears)

Anyways, I must move on now for me, my sweet little boy that has autism, my adorable little girl who understands him and consoles him at every bump and my little sweet pea in my belly. Whoa - I am truly blessed!


So - I am not sure, but maybe these entries are stemming from a need to vent and also a need to turn it around and focus on the positive? We will see, for right now it is helping me and I hope that some day it will help others and maybe even Ethan.

We are currently living in DC in a 2 bdrm suite hotel room. We are making this sacrifice to be with Eric and to be together as a family. It has been like an extended vacation. I have learned alot from it and have enjoyed DC! I can't lie though - I am ready to get my things back and have a home.

We leave in about 3.5 weeks for Texas. I am very excited and have high hopes for a glorious fall/winter with our friends and family. I am curious if this will sway us from setting up roots in Colorado? Only time will tell... stay tuned.

When we arrive in Texas, Ethan and I will check out 2 ABA/autism schools that I have found. Both seem pretty good, as much as you can tell over the phone. I am hopeful that we can find a place like The Joshua School and Miss Kendra.

We are going to try out the Rockwall School first, but we are thinking that he may need more one on one support during this last critical year of healing.

My next challenge is to get him a DAN! doctor. I really don't want to go through all of the testing again, but I am not sure what else to do. I am going to at least set up an appt and then go from there. Dr. Lawlis - let's try him!

Thanks for listening, or not, I needed it and feel like I can now conquer my day.

One thing that I learn about myself - I jsut need to talk things out with someone. Usually it's my Mom, but this 3 hour time difference as limited our talks lately... Too bad my hubby isn't really a talker!